There are surely few greater challenges than parenting in a pandemic.
At it’s core, the parental mission statement hasn’t changed much over the generations: feed, clothe and shelter the children; keep them out of harm’s way, prepare them as best we can for independent life ahead. Providing, protecting and preparing has been the fundamental objectives of boomers and Generation X’ers, their parents before them, and their children, now raising their own kids in the uncharted waters of a global pandemic.
The Old Days
In the journey before the passing of the parental baton, lessons are learned. Circumstances change from one generation to the next. Children learn what pieces of their parents model to emulate and what to change when they get their shot.
Boomers learned about hard work and sacrifice. Their weary parents defying the crush of economic constraint while overcoming the logistical challenges of providing for three, four, five or even more children. Limited interaction time and lack of understanding of softer human conditions often obscured psychological red flags among the litter: social adjustment; self-esteem; behavioural digressions. Mental health issues, generally, were more apt to be written off as a passing phase, bound to self-correct in time.
Okay, Boomer
Armed with post-secondary educations and the perspective of empirical lessons from a childhood, enlightened boomers sought to bring psychology and sensitivity to the developmental experience of their 1.7 children. We’d ask about their day over dinner. We took a keen interest in their friendships and social adjustment. We intervened, as necessary, if we detected issues.
For many, there was more disposable income than that of our parents. For our generation, homes were affordable and bound to double in value by the time we were ready to upgrade. We provided our kids opportunities in team sports, instrument or singing lessons, while being careful not to push too hard. “Well you may not have won, but did you have fun?” The seeds of the participation ribbon firmly planted.
We gave our kids vacation experiences beyond the operating radius of a packed-to-the-roof ’61 Ford Falcon.
When things went wrong, we’d talk it through. Our parenting and discipline style relied on discussion and reason. Primitive credos, like “spare the rod, spoil the child,” decisively replaced with softer philosophical frameworks. Our answer to fend off greed and ingratitude was to try to “give them everything they need and half of what they want.” After all, preparing a child for the realities of real life would clearly benefit from a mild dose of disappointment in the safety of a parentally guided setting.
Mistakes are inevitably made. I suspect we could all use a few do-overs. But successful parenting is probably more about avoiding the big gaffes than it is getting all the little things right. Like our parents, we did our best. The outcome, likely two parts good planning and one part blind luck.
Whatever the generation, there are always consequential choices and profound decisions in parenting, whether we realize it at the time, or not.
Millennial Mayhem
I could not be prouder of my children. They and their spouses are some of the best parents I know. I am continually impressed with how they interact with their children: the time they dedicate to them; their attention to the healthy development of little bodies and minds. I marvel at their level demeaner, even when tensions surely churn beneath, and their fair and consistent approach to discipline. I’ve observed things I wish I had practiced as a parent. Nothing gives me more joy than witnessing the parents they have become and seeing the growth of their children—my grandchildren.
As gratuitous advice goes, we boomers are full of it (yes, that’s what I said): we’ve been through stuff; we know things. But for our Gen X and millennial offspring, raising their own children in the excruciating conditions of a pandemic, we find ourselves with uncharacteristically little to offer. There is no well of experience to draw from on this one and it’s too important for well-intentioned guesses.
My wife and I have always been happy to offer up token perspectives or snippets of wisdom when explicitly solicited (or occasionally in the gray area of implied consent). While the jury may be out in terms of the level of value-added, we stand ready to be brought into the game, in a pinch.
Which leads me to the main point of this story. Never in our lifetimes did we, or our parents, have to make the kinds of decisions our children are being forced to make now. There is no playbook for pandemic survival or coping mechanisms. There is nothing for generational sages to fall back on.
Excruciating Decisions
This once-in-a-century crisis is inflicting immeasurable damage and incalculable hardship on families and individuals: the loss of life and impacts of illness from COVID-19; the impacts for small business and working individuals under unanticipated economic strains; the educational, social, and mental health implications for students of all ages; the stresses and mental health issues for parents. And countless other matters of consequence.
This post focuses specifically on the extraordinary challenges for young parents. The excruciating decisions and incessant anxiety as they make decisions to help guide their families safely through an unrelenting menu of risk.
Everyone has their own risk tolerance. There are extremes, of course: anti-vaxxers and mask minimalists wreaking havoc, on the one side; hazmat-clad hermits who haven’t seen the light of day for two years, on the other.
Most of us are somewhere in the middle: getting our vaccinations when we’re eligible; keeping our distance; wearing the masks. Just trying to make the best decisions we can for ourselves and our families.
The Lesser of Evils
Decisions with a right and wrong answer are relatively easy. You think it through, reflect on the pros and cons of each course, then usually choose “right.” (Your 10-year-old wants to quit school, move out and open a lawn cutting business)
When things are less black and white, there is usually a choice that can at least be rationalized as “good” in relation to the alternative. (Yes, I was going a little fast, officer, but if I don’t make my golf tee time, I forfeit the $250 entry fee)
The gravity of the decisions our children are having to make as parents is much different.
- Do I send my children to school and increase their risk of contracting COVID? Or, do I risk further damage to their mental well-being and education by keeping them home?
- Do I risk exposing grandparents to school-attending grandchildren who could develop asymptomatic illness?
- Do I keep my kids from the sports and recreational pursuits they love?
- Should I hold the four-year-old’s birthday party or cancel?
- How do I juggle on-line learning schedules between two students, two parents’ jobs and one laptop?
- How can I possibly work from home while home-schooling multiple kids?
- How can I be a good parent to my children in my own, frazzled mental condition?
Often, tough decisions can be facilitated with a pros and cons list. Or that trusty old question: “what’s the worst that could happen?”
For the past two years, young parents have been dealing with a bloated cons list and terrifying answers to that “worst that could happen” question. The specter of guilt looming just below the surface, knowing that even the best decisions in a pandemic are not necessarily without cost.
The Kids Are Alright
I wish I could be of more help. I wish I had reassuring answers to questions that keep my kids awake at night. But in these unprecedented times in our lives, there are no good answers, just tough choices to be made in the hopes of minimizing the risk. Allowing the least amount of harm.
Throughout this ordeal, the parents of my grandchildren have been remarkable. They keep themselves informed, they talk it through and they make their best calls as they go. Rather than dispensing spurious advice, our role, as parents and grandparents, is to help keep them informed as useful information develops. To lend a hand with the kids where we can. To keep their morale up.
As much as it pains this DIY parent not to be able to “fix” things with a slice of advice, a good story or a reassuring hug, the last two years reaffirm my complete confidence in my daughters and their hubby’s, even without it.
They are wonderful parents. They have my support. They make me proud.
I’m Derrick Coyle; proud husband, father and grandad, happily retired in London, Ontario after a long and satisfying career in the world of insurance. SilverFoxWise is a personal blog created to indulge a longtime passion and scratch a creative itch; an introspective boomer’s cathartic canvas of musings and perspectives. Thanks for coming along for the read.