SilverFoxWise

Derrick Coyle

Sorry, the answer is no. But … it’s for your own good.

I was recently reminded of a parenting philosophy that, as I look back, was threaded throughout the upbringing of our two daughters. It’s a guiding principle my youngest daughter – now age 27 – said has always stuck with her. And one she says she plans to use when she has children of her own. It has to do with the delicate line between providing for children, and spoiling them. The objective as parents in our household, and the simple philosophy that guided decisions along the way, was to provide our kids:

everything they need … and half of what they want

While there’s no shortage of parenting advice available on bookstore shelves, or tangled in assorted web searches, it seems to me there is empirical validity to this basic premise, not necessarily captured in the self-help aisles of Chapters. It may be better appreciated by a generation that witnessed the struggles and sacrifices of their own parents. Many, fresh immigrants to Canada with dreams of a brighter future in a new land of opportunity. These were the times of large families, normally supported by a single bread-winner. The days of piecing together a living with overtime hours, or multiple jobs. The earning of a dollar was tough, and the value of it, well understood.

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As was the case for many growing up in my childhood generation, there was a level of economic discipline in play. Parents funneled most of the pay-cheque toward the basic necessities: food, shelter, and clothing. There was as much support as possible to provide the educational opportunities many of our parents never had. In our family, there was provision for modest vacations and the sporting and recreational pursuits of the children. Any offsetting sacrifices were made by the parents themselves.

I believe a person’s core beliefs and behaviours are influenced by a small number of people making a very big impression. We’re shaped by both the positive example of people we admire, respect, and seek to emulate, and by those whose example is a valuable lesson in how not to be. This holds just as true in our working worlds as it does in our personal lives. It also has implications on how we choose to raise our children.

It was likely the work ethic and personal sacrifice of my parents, parents-in-law, and those of childhood friends, that planted the seed for the “everything you need and half of what you want” philosophy, adopted in our household.

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While the concept may seem simple enough, staying true to it over the long-term did not come without its challenges. Circumstances and conditions for my parental generation – and certainly today’s young parents – turned out to be much different than for our predecessors. Financial well-being for us, was generally much brighter than it was for our parents. There were new opportunities (or risks) to consume goods and services well beyond mere subsistence. There was the wherewithal to acquire belongings and to upgrade as desired. We had the capacity – and almost a sense of duty – to provide our children things our parents were unable to provide us. And, there were new social dynamics that ramped up pressure to do so. There were a number of changed realities for parents of our generation:

1. Family size. We were having fewer children. According to Statistics Canada’s, 50 Years of families in Canada: 1961 – 2011, the percentage of Canadian households with five or more members dropped from 32.3% in 1961 to 8.4% in 2011. Using my case as an example, both my wife and I are from five-children families. We have two children.
2. Two incomes. For our parents’ generation, double incomes were relatively scarce. In those days, it was generally the husband working full-time with the wife tending to the home and kids. If the wife was working, it was often part time. In many of the two-parent households for our generation, both were employed in full-time positions, of some sort, for a meaningful portion of the child rearing years.
3. Credit? What credit? Beyond a mortgage, buying on credit was something of a rarity for our parents. Outside of department store ‘lay-away’ plans, if you couldn’t pay in cash, you usually didn’t buy it. In our era, the use of credit cards purchases took off, and a distinct risk of living beyond one’s means landed. An age of affinity points and awards was born. The credit trend continues. Statistics Canada reports that in 1980, the ratio for household debt to personal disposable income was 66%. That ratio has recently surpassed 150%.
4. Peer pressure / Keeping up with the Jones’. It seems out of increased disposable income, or consumer debt, or both, families have become much more inclined to consume. Larger homes, newer cars with more options, bigger and better HD flat screens, all-inclusive vacations, cruises. Kids are armed, at early ages, with cell phones, ipads, and Xboxes. There are materialistic competitive pressures our parents didn’t have, or wouldn’t entertain.
5. Shrewd negotiators. Many of us vigorously encouraged the development of our childrens’ confidence, assertiveness, and negotiation acumen. These are invaluable characteristics and life skills in both career, and their personal lives. We grew up in households where negotiation, was not always welcome. The answer to the question “how come I have to go to bed? I’m not even tired” may have been “because I said so”. We pledged early in life that when we had children of our own, they would have a stronger voice. There would be no penalty for questioning a decision, and a logical explanation would be available for decisions made. Turns out “because I said so” delivered a much higher winning percentage.

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These new realities have created the conditions for parents to provide more for their children and themselves, than was ever possible for most of our own parents. Now, new purchases are more a function of inclination, than of means. The dismissive explanation “because I can’t afford it”, is now much less credible in many families. A new fiscal discipline is required.

The prevention of an entitlement mentality in children really comes down to balance, with a tilt that favours needs rather than wants. And, the discipline to avoid the trap of making the decision to satisfy the want ‘because we can’. It’s far better to engage in a conscious and consistent practice of ensuring some important wins, while recognizing the character building benefit of allowing some mild disappointments.

From my observations and experiences, there are some important outcomes to be had for young adults who have lived a childhood involving a conscious and deliberate balance of this sort:

• A better appreciation of budgeting and the value of money
• Discipline to set and respect their own financial priorities
• Patience in attaining some of the ‘wants’ as they build careers, find homes, and start families
• The capacity to put in perspective and overcome the occasional disappointment
• Some structure and principles they can use in raising their own families

And the reward of “everything they need and half of what they want” for parents? An incredible sense of pride (and relief) that – in our best efforts to raise children, and make decisions that build the character and skills to meet life’s adventures ahead – this parental approach appears to have worked out just fine.

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