Derrick Coyle
It was forty-two years ago, as a 14-year-old, that I last visited Scotland with my older brother and a childhood pal. As we nervously bid farewell to our parents at Toronto (Pearson) International Airport, my brother asked how we would recognize our grandfather and uncle who were to meet us at the other end of the flight, six hours later in Prestwick.
“Ye aye ken yer ain” (you always know your own) came the reassuring words of a proud mother, who I suspect would have given anything to be boarding the plane to her homeland along with us.
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Jimmy Gollogly, Barney Byrne, Jimmy Coyle, Foncey Kane
My Irish father and Scottish mother immigrated to Canada in 1953 at the ages of 22 and 20. Dad came over first, with three mates from Ireland, to find work in Toronto. When he secured a job, he sent for my mother. Playing a hand, I suspect heavy in hearts, she packed a bag and boarded a ship to go ‘all in’ for a man and a dream they would share in a new land of opportunity. They married in Canada, shortly after settling, and completed their family with a run of four boys, and triumphantly, a culminating daughter. It was an act of bravery and inconceivable personal sacrifice for which five proud Canadian families will be forever grateful.
Dad was an only child of parents, who themselves, came from limited family lineage. With his departure at age 22, he bid farewell to a father and stepmother, who as things turned out, he would never see again. Dad has been back to neither his homeland of Ireland or to Scotland since he set sail 61 years ago.
Mum’s journey, in contrast – as a single gal from a large family – would have been a matter of more disruption. Though there has been very little in the way of family discussion on the topic, as the second eldest of six children leaving the homestead to head overseas, I suspect there were some heart-wrenching moments. Over the past 60 years, Mum has been back to Scotland several times. Her own mum, dad, and one of her brothers, each had lengthy stays with us in Canada. A couple of her sisters also came over for a few weeks of vacation. And, three Scottish cousins from the next generation, have come across with their families for a holiday – one, on three separate occasions.
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First trip to Scotland: Brother Jim, Mum, me
The inescapable byproduct of a young couple emigrating from their homeland to raise a family abroad, in addition to their own sacrifice of interaction and support from blood relatives, is offspring that grow up without benefit of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins in their lives. We missed this as children and cherished the intermittent visits from overseas family. The first paying jobs for my brother and me – drug store delivery boys earning 90 cents an hour – were focused principally on funding a three-week trip to Scotland to meet family, known only from stories.
That’s not to say we didn’t have positive life influences in Canada. In what was something of a surrogate arrangement, there were a number of close family friends, primarily of Scottish or Irish origin, who were essentially conscripted family. Uncle Alan & Auntie Jean, Auntie Ina & Uncle Art, Uncle Barney and Auntie Margaret, Auntie Nan & Uncle Dougie. All, dear family friends who had made similar life pilgrimages and fully understood the value of reciprocal surrogacy in the lives of their respective children. Aunt Durine & Uncle Bud, and George & Joan Osborne – by virtue of having been neighbours and friends throughout our youth – were the honourary, Canadian-bred exceptions in our extended foster family configuration.
While this surely filled a void in our lives growing up, I can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t as much a tonic for the homesickness of parents, as it was a simulation of family structure and social support for the kids.
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Three weeks ago my wife and I excitedly boarded a plane to Scotland to spend a week-and-a-half with cousins, aunts and uncles, and their families. While we had met a few of them in person over the years, many we would be seeing for the first time. We were to be based from the home of my cousin Jim, his wife Gillian and son Scott, who have been to Canada three times, the last visit 10 years ago. We also had met cousin Iain and his wife Angela who were over to Canada about 20 years ago. My wife and I would know a couple of the aunts and uncles from their visits to Canada. For most others, we would be relying on my memories of aunts, uncles and young cousins from my visit 42 years ago. There was a full agenda of wonderful destinations and activities prepared for us that would give us lots of time with family, both familiar and new to us.
There is something very special about the bond of family that bridges miles and turns back time. An instant kinship that preempts any sense of awkwardness or anxiety. As it turned out, the meeting of family – for my wife as well as myself – was more like a reunion of people who’ve known and enjoyed each others company for years. It was truly incredible how at ease and comfortable it was for people whose prior interactions can be measured in days, or who were being introduced for the first time. We saw the uncanny resemblance, in the mannerisms and personality of my mother, in her sisters. Our sense of humour and interests aligned perfectly with cousins and their children. There was complete comfort and trust in sharing experiences and stories, from the light and casual, to the poignant and more sensitive. There is clearly a powerfully inherent bond in family that transcends geography.
Never have those wise motherly words from four decades ago seemed more fitting than in the week and a half we spent with family in Scotland: “Ye aye ken yer ain.”
Our Scottish family – after a wonderful ‘high tea’ in our honour
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As we reflect on how grateful we are to our Scottish clan for such a wonderful vacation, mope about the physical distance between us and a family abroad – but look forward to the arrival of several families who are already talking about trips to Canada in the next few years – it strikes me that it is the very geographic inconvenience that makes opportunities to unite, and reunite, so incredibly special.
When we do have the chance to get together – on either side of the pond – we showcase and share the wonderful places and things we take for granted in our respective homelands. We tell stories, have laughs, and truly enjoy each other. We enthusiastically engage in the opportunities and gift of the present and worry little about things in the past or future. We are conscious of the precious little time we have with each other and make the very best of every minute.
Now that I think on it, probably not a bad philosophy to live by at home as well.
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The start of a great story Derrick and such true words!
Thanks Iain. Lets keep the story rolling!
Lovely piece.
My grandmother came from Ireland, my grandfather from Scotland. They met in Toronto after the Great War. I had been doing some ancestry research a few years ago and it hit me how, in previous generations, it was so common for a young person to pack their bags and leave Europe for Canada or the US. In my youth I could not have imagined leaving home, family and familiar customs to go to another country so far away to start a new life. I think most of our generation felt the same, don’t you? Today I hear the complaint that it is unfair that young people raised in Vancouver can no longer afford to buy a house here, others complaining that there are no good jobs to be acquired after graduation. For our fathers’ and grandfathers’ generations they thought nothing of moving to where there were opportunities. In my time, I am not sure why we didn’t wander…perhaps because the economy was good…but today, while we pride ourselves as being a new global community, Yet I still don’t see young people taking the opportunity of doing what your father and mother, and my grandparents, did.
Thanks very much Karen. I know exactly what you mean. I wound up leaving the family home in Toronto at age 23 for a job in London (Ontario) and could hardly bear the 2-hour’s drive separation! An intercontinental move would have been excruciating. One of the mates my dad came out with wound up in New Zealand where he made a fortune in the construction business. A different mindset today for sure.
Interesting about your ancestry work. I’ll be doing a future post about the second part of the trip that took us to Northern Ireland to trace some of the steps of the Da.
I am Nickie turners mum and know that had a fabulous time the family had when you were here. I lost my brother recently and the sentiments if your post are soo true wish I had the opportunity to meet you xxx
Hi Margaret. I appreciate your comments very much and my sympathies on the loss of your brother. We had such a great time with Nickie, Shona, Mollie, Cara, Harry and Charlie! They are a wonderful family.
We are already talking about going back in a few years and we would love to meet you when we do. xxx
What a beautiful family you have! That’s a great picture and it’s a wonderful story. It seems so fitting to keep the bonds solid and pass them on to more generations. But I love that you stay in the present, too, without losing the history.
Thanks Jacquie. Plans are already formulating across generations for future trips. It’s all very exciting!
That was a great story and some equally important life lessons. My family is also scattered as Mum came over to New Zealand on the boat in 1953. They were a brave bunch.
Thanks Tim. Very brave indeed! One of my Dad’s mates (right side of first pic) also settled in New Zealand after a short stay in Canada. The story goes that our family very nearly joined him there when he offered my Dad a partnership in a construction company that, as it happens, turned out a roaring success.
You have great family DC. I love the pictures and the accompanying story. It’s never easy, but working to keep these relationships alive for generations to come is so important, and rewarding. There is something very special about recounting family stories. It gives us a great feeling of our own place in the scheme of thing and of belonging. 🙂
Thanks very much, Susan. I think as the aging process develops, the idea of making sure those stories are heard and told takes on a new meaning. I’ll be posting something that tracks with your last point, next week.
Hi Derrick – I love the photos and your write-up. My family came from Holland to Canada in the same year so I totally identify with the sacrifices made by our parents – it wasn’t always easy. Thanks for sharing your story, hope to hear more.
Lenie
Hi Lenie. It seems our parents generation was a brave one. At a time when the world was a much bigger place, they seemed to weigh the options and were willing to take some risks to realize their dreams. Thanks for your feedback!
What a lovely read…I had a similar experience a few years back when my father, sister and I traveled to Italy to meet my dad’s uncle, aunt, and first cousin and her family (all whom he’d never met), and it was more like a reunion then a first meeting. There is something about coming into contact with your own, that feels so familiar and comfortable. Loved reading about your family experience (and seeing that lovely picture – you all look so happy!).
Michele
It’s amazing how many people have told of similar experiences with family across the world and you’re right on with the “familiar and comfortable” point. We’re so glad we finally did it. Thanks very much for your comments, Michele.
Yes I think that is an excellent philosophy to live by! And what a delightful and well-written account of your family history and the journey abroad to visit the very people who bind you all together. I love the picture too and will enjoy reading more from you. 😉
Thanks very much Pamela. It was such a great experience and we definitely have it in the planner for a much quicker return visit!
I love your Post and can relate to it so much. My parents emigrated to Kenya from India in 1938 in an Arab Dhow. Like your parents – it took my parents a long time to have enough money to go back to India. They used to travel by ship as planes were expensive. My brothers and I came to the UK and my sister went to USA -when we were adults. So travelling between the four countries and catching up with relations is such good fun. The world has become smaller and we are able to travel to anywhere in the World these days.
Thanks Mina. Sounds like a very similar family adventure. Amazing the lengths that a generation went to for new opportunities. It’s nice that transportation options have advanced from the days of the dhow and we can hop around the world in hours rather than days, or weeks!
What a fantastic trip, story, adventure and wonderful memories for you. Talk about creating a legacy. Love the photo. Everyone looks so happy. I have a very small family, so am a tad jealous 🙂
Thanks Laurie. Wonderful memories indeed and if all goes as hoped, a new flurry of family visits on both sides of the pond.
What a lovely trip and I hope you are able to visit with your family again soon. I also think of technology and how amazing it is to be able to keep in touch in a way that wasn’t possible even a decade ago.
Thanks and good point about technology, Christina. The ease of communication paved the way in the planning stage and was a nice way to circulate the vacation pics afterwards.